my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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