wrigley field is MILF paradise
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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