did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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