I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
