Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My bed smells like the plague
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
