She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
