I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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