i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
