I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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