Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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