I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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