I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
