i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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