We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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