You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
