At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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