Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
