Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
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Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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