At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
