if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
