we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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