you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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