That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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