Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
These tits shall not be calmed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
