and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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