I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
