I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
