The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
