Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
