I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we're making bets on your personal life
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
