WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
