I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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