I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
so much tequila, so little girl.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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