He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
