shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
