Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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