So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.