I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
