the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
