I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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