they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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