I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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