I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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