All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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