you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
