Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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