I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
