WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize