dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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