I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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