I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
