I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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