He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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