Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
