I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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