life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
