so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
