I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
