bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
